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    Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don't. I still wake in the middle of the night, flooded with thoughts of her, memories of only the good times invading my senses. As I lay in a cold sweat, heart beating, I try to remember the bad times, arguments hurt so I can push out those good times. Trying to remember the reasons why I felt we no longer were on the same /page. I am alive. Living, not exactly an option right now. The throngs of pain coursing through my veins like an ice bath. "Regrets, I've had a few, but then again, too few to mention". This resonates within me. I wish it were true. I've been hurt, I've hurt those I've loved. Only one of them I truly miss. My faith in all things have suffered as a consequence of those actions. Being hurt doesn't need to be the end of things. The fundamental principles of forgiveness, are to forgive yourself first. But, what if I cannot forgive myself for the biggest thing I regret in my life? I've spent time alone, at home, weeks in the desert and wilderness of Utah, hiking all over the Wasatch mountains, trying to find myself, forgive myself to no avail. I can't forgive me. I push those that care away. that I will be disappointed in some way by them so, I pre-emptively strike knowing full well what the consequences are for those involved. Self preservation is all that is in my mind, whether made up or fiction. I say those things that hurt to the core. There's no going back. Being alone, that's what I am eventually good at. I wish I weren't. "The rest of those who have gone before us, cannot steady the unrest of those to follow."

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